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Les Poissons (Edgar version)
Inside the dining room table, Crane was standing near the window, looking out into the distance. While Olaf was seated at the large table, beginning to clean his pipe, Crane was waiting patiently for Viper to arrive as he tried desperately to reason with the bird. "Oh, Crane, be reasonable," said Olaf, feeling clearly amused while waving his pipe in the air. "Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some -" Crane cut him off. "I'm tellin' you, Olaf, she was REAL!" he said, I'm gonna find that girl. And I'm gonna marry her." He put his left wing over his beak, gazing out the glass windows. Suddenly, laughter was heard from behind him. He turned his head to see the lover with the princess. "Come on, honey." said a voice, "Don't be shy." It was Anna. She stood by the door frame, guiding the lover into the dining room. Out of the shadows came Viper. Viper was now wearing a green kimono with a forest green wrap, a light green ribbon, and a spring green and teal collar (similar to Mulan's dress). She was still wearing her white lotus flowers. This was a new look for Viper, and she showed that she was being treated well by the servants. Crane's eyes widened as Olaf walked up behind the bird. "Oh, Crane, isn't she a vision?" asked Olaf. The grin he had was never slipping off his face. Crane's mouth hung open. But he closed his mouth and swallowed, feeling somewhat nervous. "You look - wonderful." Crane stammered. Viper, unable to say, "Thank you," replied with a gentle blush, she shrugged her neck, appreciating the nice comment, a smile on her face as her azure eyes looked up from behind her head. Crane blushed a light pink as Olaf helped Crane into his chair, quite enthusiastic, but not before giving the young princess a light nudge. Crane pursed his beak, but grinned nonetheless. "Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There we go - ah - quite comfy?" He helped the princess into her seat. Crane tucked the chair under the table as the female snake sat down. "Uh, it's...it's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh, Crane?" Viper wasn't playing attention anymore. She was too intrigued by the glistening silver 'dinglehopper' resting on the table. With a wide smile, she picked up the shiny object and began brushing her hair with it. She looked up to face a confused Crane and a horrified Olaf. Viper delicately placed the 'dinglehopper' back on the table and looked down in embarrassment. She bit her lip and looked up as she saw Olaf using a lighter to ignite the coppery thing that Viper understood as a 'snarfblatt'. Olaf kindly smiled at her, and handed her his pipe. "Uh, do you like it?" he asked, "It is a rather fine..." Olaf stopped in mid-sentence when the snake blew into the pipe as if it was a trumpet, sending a cloud of smoke spurting out the top and straight into his face. Crane cracked up with laughter while Anna gave a small giggle. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. Crane cleared his throat, trying to regain composure. "Ahem. I'm sorry, Olaf." Anna smiled, placing a hand on the bird's shoulder. "Why, Crane," she said. "That's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks." Viper looked up from the table and smiled. "Oh, very amusing," said Olaf, as he used a handkerchief to wipe the last bit of smoke of his face and sniffed. "Anna, my dear, what's for dinner?" "Oooh, you're gonna love it!" Anna smiled. "Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuff rabbit!" Rabbit poked his head out from behind a sugar bowl and gasped upon seeing the chef of a French kitchen. He was a slender, middle-aged, half-bald man with fair skin, gray hair, black eyebrows, and brief belly fat. He wears a white dress shirt, a black bow tie, a dark brown waistcoat, a black tuxedo jacket, gray pants, black shoes, a white chef's hat and a matching apron. His name was Edgar Balthazar, the French chef of the kitchen. Edgar rummaged through a cupboard. Singing in French to himself, he hummed to himself as he took a basket of trout and putting one on a counter. With his food ready, the butler chef started singing. Edgar: Les poissons Les poissons How I love '''les poissons' ''Love to chop And to serve little fish Grabbing the trout from the basket, Edgar pulled out a cleaver and violently chopped off its head. This shocked Rabbit horribly. Horrified that this was happening, Rabbit hid his face. Edgar: First I cut off their heads Then I pull out the bones Ah mais oui Ca c'est toujours delish Taking out another trout, Edgar took the cleaver and violently chopped off its head then proceeded to skin it and gut it while Rabbit leaned against a wall and covered his mouth, feeling quite sick, feeling as if he may want to throw up. Edgar: Les poissons Les poissons Hee hee hee Hah hah hah With the cleaver I hack them in two Taking out another trout, Edgar again chopped its head and then chopped the rest of the body into tiny pieces. Rabbit tried getting away, but he found himself face to face with the trout's head. Edgar: I pull out what's inside And I serve it up fried Cause I love little fishes'' Don't you? After cutting the trout's head off, Edgar pulled out the insides of the trout and cooked it on a frying pan before serving it on a plate. Spotting a large lettuce leaf, Rabbit grabbed the leaf and used it to disguise himself as he slowly scuttled away from an unsuspecting chef, who is too absorbed into his little fish hacking mania but Edgar took a mallet and began smashing a tuna flat. Edgar: Here's something for tempting the palate Prepared in the classic technique First you pound the fish flat with a mallet When Edgar pounded the tuna flat with the mallet, Rabbit flew off the counter along with other stuff on it. He hid again under the lettuce before hearing more gross stuff from Edgar's preparations for the tuna. Edgar: Then you slash through the skin Give the belly a slice Then you rub some salt in 'Cause that makes it taste nice When Edgar was describing those horrid moves, Rabbit cringed even more. Just after Edgar put the salt on he rather was holding the fish body close to his cheek, Rabbit's worst fear was confirmed when the cook reached out and grabbed the lettuce leaf, leaving him exposed. The rabbit kept perfectly still as the chef gasped, "Zut alors!" exclaimed Edgar, "I have missed one!" He picked up the 'dead' rabbit and continued singing, Edgar: ''Sacre bleu'' What is this? How on earth could I miss Such a sweet little succulent rabbit? ''Quel dommage'' What a loss Here we go In the sauce Now some flour I think just a spurt Edgar tossed Rabbit into a bowl of sauce and threw a spot of flour in his face, making him cough and sneeze before pulling him out and stuffing some breadcrumbs in his mouth. Edgar: Now I stuff you with bread It don't hurt 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are Rabbit spat out the breadcrumbs and wheezed loudly. Edgar didn't notice that the rabbit in his hand was still alive. Edgar: 'Cause it's gonna be hot In my big silver pot Toodle loo ''Mon poisson'' ''Au revoir!''' Edgar threw Rabbit across the room into a large pot of boiling water. Rabbit held on to the inside of the pot before a bubble popped, burning him out of the pot and onto the counter with a loud thud. Edgar, hearing the 'thud', looked over to it being confused. He used a pitchfork-like utensil and stabs on either side of the rabbit, picking up Rabbit and carefully inspected it. "What is this?" he asked. Rabbit bit Edgar's nose, making him scream in pain as he held his nose. Rabbit landed on the handle of a pan on the stove. Edgar reached for the rabbit, but instead put his hand on the fiery hot stove. The chef screamed and blew on his hand as the pan fell onto his foot. Edgar grabbed his foot and cried in pain, before sending Rabbit an angry glare, grabbing a bunch of knives and hurling them at the rabbit. Rabbit, who ducked each knife, dove under the counter, and while the chef was looking under the counter, Rabbit pushed the bowl of sauce off the counter. The bowl shattered on his head. Going more insane, Edgar lifted his cleaver and brought it down. But all he managed to chop up was the counter. He saw Rabbit running for his life. Rabbit screamed as he tried getting out. The cleaver landed right in front of him, stopping him from running that way. He quickly made a mad dash underneath Edgar and hid underneath a cabinet of glasses and pottery. Edgar screamed, holding his mallet in his hand, Rabbit hid as the psychotic chef jumped and crashed into the shelves. Back in the dining room, everyone heard loud crashes coming from the kitchen. Anna, who was pouring drinks for the prince, Olaf, and their young guest, looked in the direction of the kitchen at the sound of a large crash. "I think I'd better go see what Edgar is up to." she said. Once she had excused herself, she hurriedly made her way to the palace kitchen. Back in the kitchen, the insane chef, ripped clothes and all, was tearing apart the cabinet, mindlessly throwing things out of the way trying to find Rabbit. "Come out, you little pipsqueak, AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" he snarled. He continued to tear apart a cupboard. "Edgar!" shouted Anna. He shot up, banging his head on the shelf, causing several new pots and pans to fall or break on the floor, at the sound of Anna's shrill voice. His apron and clothes were torn and stained, his chef's hat was gone, he only had one shoe, and there was a hole in the elbow of his untucked shirt. "What are you doing?" Anna demanded. Edgar stammered about what he was doing earlier. "Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, ''madame." he finally said. Anna scowled at the butler as he gave her an apologetic grin and pinched out a fire that had started on the top of his head. Anna picked up the plates - which all had a metal dome over the top - off a nearby bench, and storming out the kitchen. "Well, I never!" she exclaimed in disgust. Olaf set his glass back on the table as Anna placed their dinners in front of him, Viper, and Crane. "You know, Crane," he said. "perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour?" Crane simply sat there, staring at Viper with a lovestruck expression on his face. Realizing that Olaf had said something to them, they snapped out of their daze. Crane let out a small chuckle and looked at Olaf. "I'm sorry, Olaf." he said, "What was that?" Olaf leaned over to the bird and whispered, "You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. Get your mind off-" As Olaf complained, he opened his dish, and Rabbit was huddled inside. Viper noticed Rabbit and became worried. Rabbit quietly shushed the worried snake, who opened her dish and urged for Rabbit to quickly hide in hers. "Easy, Olaf, easy." said Crane, "It's not a bad idea. If she's interested." As the two chatted, Rabbit quickly and quietly dashed across the table and hid in Viper's dish. With Rabbit safe, Viper quickly turned to Crane. "Well, what do you say?" asked Crane. "Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow?" Viper nodded, genuinely excited by the prospect and also internally relieved. "Wonderful!" beamed Olaf. "Now let's eat, before this rabbit wanders off my plate." He looked down, only to be confused that Rabbit had just run off his plate. Dinner got carried on into the evening long after the sun had set and afterwards, Viper, Crane, and Olaf went their separate ways. Viper was now dressed in her nightclothes as she watched Crane play with Lenny from the balcony. Viper was now wearing a yellow sleeveless nightgown. "Come here boy!" Crane laughed to Lenny, "Arrr!!!" He knelt on the ground and Lenny swam up to him calling out, "Here I come, Crane!" Crane growled playfully at the shark as he pinned him down. He looked up and smiled when he saw that the female snake he'd found on the beach that day, watching. Crane waved at Viper, and she waved back, before slipping further back into her room. Crane's eyes sparkled as his smile widened. He was actually really looking forward to taking her around his kingdom tomorrow, and could only hope that she felt the same way. Viper smiled as she put her face cream on her face. Rabbit (who was now wearing a blue nightshirt) complained about his experience in the kitchen as he cleaned off the cooking spices. "This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life." he complained. Viper kissed Rabbit on the head. "I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady!" scolded the yellow rabbit, as he waved his lettuce leaf at Viper while she slithered over to her bed. Viper's bed was a large canopy bed with lime green mattresses & matching bedsheets & pillows, large green curtains (with golden draw-tassels) on all four sides (attached to the forest green canopy), spring green blankets, white linens, a warm, fuzzy green blanket, & olive green mahogany bedposts (with a headboard of the same color & material). Anyway, Rabbit told Viper, "Now, we've got to make a plan to get that bird to kiss you." She opened the curtains and bounced a little before settling back into the large pillow on the left side of the canopy bed and crawled under the covers. "Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best." said Rabbit. Viper lay in her bed. It was very comfy and warm. It was a nice place for her to sleep for the night. "You're gonna bat your eyes - like this," Rabbit went on, as he batted his eyes and puckered his lips. "You gotta pucker up your lips - like this." But by now, he realized that Viper was already fast asleep. Rabbit shook his head and smiled. "Hm." He blew out the candle on the bed side table. He hopped onto one of Viper's pillows, closed the curtains, and before falling asleep himself, he said, "You are hopeless, child. You know that?" He yawned and closed his eyes as Viper covered him up with her green blanket. "Completely hopeless!" And with that, Viper and Rabbit both fell asleep for the night. Category:Fan Fiction Category:The Little Mermaid Parodies Category:Songs Category:The Little Mermaid Fanfiction Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmake Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmakes Category:The Little Mermaid Spoofs